And somehow I’ve survived, kind of.

I don’t want to come on here and try to list off accomplishments or lack thereof. Everyone has their own timeline which is something I have to remind myself of constantly.

I started this blog right after I moved to New York thinking that I would chronicle all my adventures in this new city, a way for me to show all those back home what I’ve been up to. Well that hasn’t really panned out how I expected it to. The honest truth is that I really don’t feel like I have accomplished much. In my first post I wrote that part of the reason I moved to New York was to find myself, but at this current moment I feel more lost than I was when I first arrived.

Not to blame the pandemic for all my troubles, but I will blame it for a few. Based on life on the internet, it feels like everyone and their mother found themselves, did some soul searching and came out of it a new person. The shutdown definitely changed me, but not necessarily for the better. I came out of it timid and scared of the world. Being stuck in New York wasn’t great. It probably wouldn’t have felt as bad being at my parents but being forced indoors in a small apartment every day and all you hear in the streets are sirens is unsettling. After things “opened” back up, crime started rising. Riding the subway, the only choice I have in transportation, became a game of survival. Will there be a shooting? Will I get sexually harrased? Oh and don’t forget there’s still a virus going around that you can easily catch on the train. And since New York is the epicenter of all that’s bad, let's throw in two more viruses and see how well they do.

I spent my five year anniversary in Washington DC, the next place I might end up living. It took a lot for me to work up the courage to go explore a new city on my own after the pandemic but oh how much I loved exploring a new city. Just wandering around, figuring out where to go and how their public transportation works. Walking down a street just because it was pretty. It reminded me of what I was like when I first moved to New York, eager and excited for all the new.

But I’ve been scared, anxious about it all. Every so often, in the moments I’m feeling really down about being here, I think back as to why I even decided to move here in the first place. One of those moments was from an email where someone told me to ‘BE BOLD’ and I really took that to heart. He said to never be afraid to ask for what you want, which after being shut down so much these past five years, gets harder and harder to do.

I do wonder if I will ever get back to that person I was when I first moved here. I was so naive but I was happy and excited to tackle this big city and for any challenge it brought my way. In my first post I wrote this: “Life is full of challenges, and I know moving to a new city, across the country, not knowing anyone, trying to figure life out is probably one of the toughest ones, but I am ready to take it head on. I followed a dream of mine and I am now on a journey of self-discovery and to be the best version of myself possible. I hope that if anything comes from this risk, I learn and I grow.“

At this current moment, I feel stuck in a version of myself that I don’t like. I know I could be better. When I first moved here I had goals I wanted to achieve by a certain time frame, and I sure as hell haven’t but I am still here and I am still going to keep on trying. I’ve seen people come and go so I know not everyone can survive and I’ve had my moments where I wanted to pack it all up but I never felt like it was the right thing to do. I didn’t want to give up on the city and my younger self.

Part of me feels like it’s time to move on, so will I? Maybe.